Amazon Reviews: the Good, the Bad, and the Ridiculous
The Good, the Bad, and the Ridiculous
Normally, I try not to put out negativity into the world, but then again, I always say that one must complain to the right people, and about the correct issues. Jessica, an anonymous Amazon reviewer on Amazon, is a very conscientious woman. She has taken it upon herself to download all the free books and applications available on Amazon. Jessica also accepts free samples, so that she might not actually make use of them, but offer a biased review nevertheless.
People who understand my sense of humour, will appreciate what they are about to read next. This woman is so offended by these free products, that she feels it is her civic duty to punish the provider for daring to offer free goods. On the slim chance that she actually pays for a product, she usually asks for a refund, but not before reviewing the item. She really takes her obligation seriously. So how did I discover this delightful young woman? Jessica, who has children — and I fear for their moral development — works around the clock, relentlessly reviewing items she never actually uses. Such dedication.
Heavens! That Amazon review is really useful for people on the brink of deciding on whether they should download a free book on the environment or not. One might say that I am just bitter. One might, but do read on to understand why Amazon should actually be more concerned with their reviewers. The truth is that they don’t care what people write in their reviews — unless it costs Amazon money. Considering the amount of items this woman has returned, Amazon should be seeing red flags on her account, but they seem to be okay with it all.
One might also say that she is only reviewing books in this silly fashion, but oh! No! Here are some more insightful reviews from our intrepid Jessica. Her immense vocabulary consists of ‘bad’. ‘very bad’, ‘horrible’, ‘waste of time’, ‘junk’, and occasionally, ‘OK’. We shouldn’t judge her too harshly — that pleasure is reserved for her Amazon review of our products — because sometimes she does use complete sentences.
Next, we have the ‘OK’ issue. Things are okay by her standards, but the level of ‘okayness’ varies from one star to a whopping five stars. Right, so if we accept this nutty logic, how do we explain the lack of reading in her Amazon reviews?
The walk by Lee Goldberg has over 1100 reviews with an average of four stars. Jessica herself informs us that she never actually read this novel. How kind of her to warn us about the boring content. She only read the first chapter, and then decided she would review the entire book anyway. You can find the Amazon review here.
She takes this very seriously because she goes out of her way to tell people not to buy things. We all know that she is the only stay at home mommy who needs to feed her children. Therefore, please do not buy things from other people if she says so. It would be nice if she could tell us why we shouldn’t buy the product. I thought that was the purpose of a review. It could be that we were all wrong.
Jessica is far too occupied with life to try out the actual products she reviews. Don’t be silly! Women like her are incredibly busy … writing reviews.
Our dear reviewer has trouble with mathematics it seems. She feels that this book is average, but then rates it one star. Surely — and perhaps it is just me — average would be in the middle … you know three stars … halfway between one and five. I really did think my maths was dreadful. I am reconsidering applying to Mensa.
This one is particularly insightful. “Waste of time,” but with a full four star rating. Am I the only one confused? I think I should cancel my membership with Mensa.
I am so confused again; a free sample that was reduced in price? I need to find products like these. She paid less than free, never used the product, said it was terrible, and then rated it at four stars.
Apparently, this little game was also okay at one star.
In one of my favourites, she washed her hair with a computer game and then complains when it turns out thick and heavy. Gosh! I would like thick and heavy hair. I should download this app at once and apply it to my balding pate. Apparently, it made her hair ‘think.’ Sadly, the same could not be said for her brain.
“Very thick and heavy…..weighed my hair down, did not spread easy or evenly threw hair due to it being so think and syrup like. Also made hair extremely greasy in areas where applied. Horrible product!”
If you do not believe me, please read the Amazon review here. There is no hurry really. It’s unlikely that Amazon will take this Marvel down any time in the future.
Let me be serious for a minute. Any time something like this is said to another human being, my kid-gloves come off. This review, my dear anonymous Jessica, is why you have been singled out to revel in this glory of exposure. “Should not be an author.” People are not reviewing other people, but the products. This is vicious slander, and since it is in America, someone should actually sue this woman.
It’s not all crappy news though, because her husband really likes this toilet paper brand. He is so pedantic about it that if she gets free samples of any other brand, he will not wipe his bottom after using the loo. He must really kick up a stink of indignation!
Amazon is randomly taking down legitimate book reviews because heavens forbid someone might actually know the author. Therefore, it seems that it’s much better if complete strangers, who do not even try the products, review items. When someone leaves a bad review, it doesn’t affect Amazon, so they leave it in place. Until these changes come about, I shall leave this article in place too. Think of it as a how-not-to-review guide.
To read more of Jessica’s incoherent ramblings, click here.
To all the wonderful readers who take the time and trouble to review my own books, thank you so much. I always ask for free and honest reviews, and I mean it. If you do not like a book, let me know why, so that I might learn something, and grow as an author.