The World Wide Web is filled with advice on how to beat writer’s block. You could beat it with a large stick, for example. Go on, give it a good old thump! At least you will feel better and allow yourself to partake in a little physical exertion. Get the all-important cardio up and pumping. One, two, and three; look at how I beat thee.
Alternatively, you could go for a walk, and get a mighty lungful of air — or pollution. Just be careful if you go for a trot in the woods today. The bears haven’t been to the dentist in quite some time. There is some helpful research to illustrate that petting a pet python is a particularly panacean practice. You could teach a canary a new song, perhaps. It could learn to use Twitter.
Some may advocate healthier eating habits, and the relaxing music in the key of whale. Aquatic shrieking is quite tranquil … for whales. Take a trip to your local aquarium to watch clownfish horse around, or killer sharks swim aimlessly about, killing little but time.
Some well-meaning motivation types suggest moving location, and going to write at a fashionable café. A place where the coffee resembles tarmac on a hot day, and the freshest aspect is the ocean breeze. Imaginably, watching the girls go by may unleash a flood of inspiration that will sweep over you like the ecstasy of creative salaciousness — or perhaps it won’t.
I happen to believe that the best advice is to chain yourself to a leg of your desk, but well within reach of a plump dictionary. This odd book with no discernible plot, and incredibly wordy text, could just save the day. No children need be sold into slavery, laboratory animals wear whorish cosmetics, nor your keyboard be pummelled out of frustration.
No, rather pick up this invaluable tome of timeless suggestion, and open it to a random page. On this page, you will find that it is teeming with fascinating words — unless you open to xyz and discover a zygote … honestly. Talk about fifty shades of conception. In this case, it may be best to spin the wheels of chance again. If the first word you read is s-e-x, accept this as your fate, write some ‘mommy porn’, and pleasure a desperate housewife.
Take your chosen word — no, you can’t keep choosing easier words — and force yourself to use it in a sentence. Spin it into a paragraph, and if need be, consult the dictionary for additional inspirational material. You will learn new and redolent, yet odd words to relay to your readers. Impress your fans with your vagarious vocabulary.
Me, what do I do when I get writer’s block? Don’t be silly! That never happens to me. This is something that only happens to other authors. However, should it ever happen to me — and it is highly doubtful — I’d probably write a silly article such as this one.
There is no valid excuse for not writing, only precarious reasons. You may have been wrestling an errant crocodile right before lunch, and inadvertently lost a few of your limbs. Should this occur, there is always voice recognition. Now stop reading this nonsense, and bloody well go write something memorable!
*** Disclaimer. This was written under the influence of a sore throat, soaring fever, and insomnia. The author is not responsible … erm … irresponsible … yes, that it. ***